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Boyfriend Drama

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Poll: Boyfriend Drama

What would you do?

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#1 Amaryllis


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Posted 17 March 2012 - 03:28 PM

So, I've been "officially" dating my boyfriend for a year and a half now, but we've been interested in each other for a long time. Like since we first got to know each other, basically, which was about five years ago now. Long story short, complications always arose and we spent almost three years dancing around and avoiding our feelings, but could never get past them. Then spent another year that we basically were dating, but didn't want to tell anyone or put a label on it because we are both gun-shy about getting into a relationship and when we do, we're the kind of people who have serious, long-term relationships.

We have had a lot of ups and downs. We're both college students, and his college is a huge distance from mine. Not just across the state, but halfway across the country. This has stressed things quite a bit. Family troubles and money troubles have weighed heavily on both of us. It doesn't help that I'm working and he isn't, but I don't think he's the kind of person to resent that hugely unless I'm completely missing it.

In January, during winter break, I felt that he didn't make any time for me (we both did have busy schedules, but I felt that he could have tried harder to spend time with me and spent the time better than we did). At the end of break, we broke up for a short period (like a day and a half) before talking to each other again and trying to work things out.

After that and the start of February was great. He really tried to make an effort. He was very sweet on Valentine's Day. I tried to play a multiplayer online game that he liked. We had fun and were spending time with each other. But we still weren't really talking to each other and connecting like we used to.

The last week of February and now March have been bad. Our spring break has been exactly like winter break. He talks even less. There is little to no connecting anymore, or much affection of any kind. He says he feels like he "can't talk to me anymore" and that all we do is fight. I feel like he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore, which he says is because all we do is argue about not talking and it's really not true. I do give him plenty of opportunity to talk to me and I've been trying since the break up to let things go, but I really just feel like I'm at my limit. I'm the kind of person that needs communication and some kind of demonstration of affection with some kind of consistency. Not a huge display, I don't even need a long phone call, just something. But it's like the more I want that from him, the less he does it. And the random hot/cold responses are starting to tick me off.

I don't know if I should try to confront him about how things are going again, which hasn't helped in the past, just leave it alone and hope it gets better again, or if I should just break it off cleanly and move on with my life. He has a year left for school, so a part of me wants to just wait it out until then, assuming I have the patience (doubtful).

Edited by Amaryllis, 17 March 2012 - 03:29 PM.

#2 princesshamster


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Posted 17 March 2012 - 08:23 PM

Ohh that doesn't sound good. :hug: I say if it's really causing you this much disappointment, then say something. :) It's better to take a slight risk and express your feelings then to go through a relationship that you aren't really sure of. Good luck!

#3 Marisa


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Posted 17 March 2012 - 09:48 PM

Aw, Emily, I'm sorry you're going through this.

But I definitely say you two need to talk it over. Tell him how you feel and let him tell you how he feels. If the talking doesn't work then I say take a break. But not handling it and just letting whatever happens happen rarely works out.

If you aren't happy with what is going on right now, I definitely think you should do something about it.

I hope things get better/work out for you, dear. <3

Edited by across-the-nation, 17 March 2012 - 09:50 PM.

#4 HoppingHammy


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Posted 18 March 2012 - 01:42 AM

Oh, I am sorry to hear this Am. :sad: Didn't realize it was so rough for you both right now.

I voted for the 3rd choice, but I also would take a break if it were me. And when I say "break", I don't just mean 2 days.....I mean like a serious break: maybe 3 weeks - 1 month. I would explain to him that you feel things aren't going well right now and you feel a break will be beneficial for both of you. No need to go into a lot of detail. Once you get back from break and talk again, then you can explain why you took it and basically say if things don't start getting better soon, that next time the break might be "permanent". Give him some time to try and improve, but if he never does and doesn't seem willing to put forth anymore effort on his part, then it's no good staying in an unhappy relationship, no matter how long it's been.

That's just how I would deal with the situation if I were in your shoes, but of course you might feel like handling it differently and that is totally alright. Just do what is right for yourself, most importantly. Do what makes you happy and not stressed out.

Edited by HoppingHammy, 18 March 2012 - 01:44 AM.

#5 GangstaGirl


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Posted 18 March 2012 - 02:57 AM

I agree with Hannah 100%. You don't deserve to be put under all this stress, and a break would be great for the both of you. Let him know how strongly you feel about what's been going on lately, and tell him that you don't think it's healthy to go on like this. If he's worth your time, he'll change for you. :hug:

#6 tinypixie


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Posted 18 March 2012 - 04:03 AM

Ugh that's really tough. I haven't voted yet, so as I type this out maybe I'll figure out where I stand on the issue.

It's really hard when you have already gone through a mini break up and then things were great, and then things went back to "normal" if not worse. I'm thinking of a line graph (y axis is happiness where the higher the better, x axis is time).. and from what I understand, before winter break, your happiness was kind of decreasing steadily, and then you guys broke up. And then you got back together and things were immediately really great. This is where a sharp incline in your happiness with the relationship spiked. But, since the last week of Feb and into March, the happiness line is back on the decrease (not sure how sharply). Wow I'm a nerd for thinking this way.

But for me to put it graphically helps put into perspective what occurred when, and how it made you feel. If you feel your happiness line is almost to the same point at which you broke up in winter, then yes, you are at a dire point in the relationship yet again. There is a point in any relationship where if the happiness line crosses a certain point, it's doing more harm than good.

Also, what concerns me is, you know there is a definite problem with communication, however, when ever you try to bring it up, you guys end up arguing over communication- which highlights again, a problem with communication! How frustrating! If he is going on the defense every time you try to have a constructive conversation about it, then it will go no where. Is there any way you can think of to approach it differently?

When you want to talk to him or hear from him, do you wait for him to reach out to you? Or do you make most of the calls and effort? Or is it 50/50? If you are waiting for him to call or text you when you want it, you have to remember that he cannot mind read this, and even though he "should" know to call you, it's not necessarily true. On the other hand, if you are the one doing most of the calling and reaching out, then that's also unfair, and you are putting more effort than he is. That hurts. If it's 50/50... then that's.. not a bad thing, but what is true is the time you do spend talking to each other is not satisfying. Which ever way it is, your needs are not getting met and you do have a right to hold a conversation with him about it, and you do have the right to hold this conversation without being accused or having it turn into a big argument.

So I guess, I would have another talk with him, structure the talk differently so that it cannot go back to the same old argument about lack of communication. How? I.. really don't know. But it has to be different from what has already taken place over and over and over. Highlight that you wish you got more from him, but also bring up the fact that you might have to change some things you are doing as well. Use lots of "I" statements instead of "you" statements, as "you" statements are often accusatory and cause the other person to go on the defense. Be realistic about the state of your feelings and the relationship. Be open, warm and loving because the tone of the talk often dictates how it will end up. You need to make clear what you want, and what you are willing to do in order to make it work, AND make clear what sort of situations would cause you to end the relationship. He needs to know what to avoid in order to keep you around.

Ugh. These are just my opinions, and I will take no offense if you do not agree! Just trying to offer a different perspective.

Take care <3