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My story for a compitition :)

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#1 Tlreslyae


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Posted 30 January 2011 - 12:47 AM

Ok so at my school we have a library and their were posters up about this competition:
http://www.nationalcrimewritingweek.co.uk/2011/comp.html and I decided to enter because I like writing stories, I found it quite hard coz I don't read the 'crime' genre a lot but here's what I came up with, the limit amount of words is 1000, it was so hard to do that short a story but I did! Without further-a-do, Here it is!


‘Cut me and I weep tears as red as my flesh, yet my heart is made of stone.’ Dax looked at the crumbled piece of paper. A riddle, he hated riddles. The culprit obviously hadn’t expected someone to leave a clue.
He drove to the front garden of the manor; the police that were helping him on the case had lined up six people who had been at Lady Jane’s dinner party two nights ago. He studied them carefully.
“These are the people that attended Lady Jane’s dinner party,” a policeman came over to Dax and gestured at the line of people to his left. “We have interviewed all of them.” He handed Dax a pile of papers.
“I’ll start reading them,” he replied. He looked at the pile in his hand and sighed, this was the only thing he hated about his job.
He had returned to his office and was staring at the riddle in his hand, another one,‘I am punished by nature, to go ever down and never up; to flow even when stopped; I destroy everything; I save lives and kill them; for I am life and death.’
This riddle puzzled him even more than the last, he was sure that they were somehow related to each other and the crime, but how? The policeman that he had spoken to earlier strode into the office with a smirk on his face.
“The fingerprints have returned two suspects from the six that were at the party, Samantha Burdle and Jonathon Daganile. I have arrested the two on suspicion of theft,” the policeman said smugly.
“I’ll check the prints and interrogate them,” He sounded bored.
“The forensic scientists have already checked them, I interrogated them this morning,” his smugness was growing rapidly.
“Very well, Alex, how about a drink in the café?”
“Umm… ok,” Dax noted the hesitation in his voice.
As they walked down to the café, Dax noticed a thin slice along his wrist. I wonder where he got that, Dax thought to himself as they sat down at a table. The waiter scooted over and looked at Alex, pen poised above a notebook.
“Cherryade, please.”
“And you?” the waiter asked Dax.
“No thanks,” the waiter nodded and disappeared into the kitchen.
“Cherryade?” Dax asked Alex.
“Yes, it’s my favourite.” He replied.
When they returned, Dax went in his office; he saw a stray piece of paper fluttering in a wind caused by the open window. He went over and picked it up, on it was spidery hand writing that read, ‘Do not trust those you believe are allies, trust those whom you don’t trust, for the culprit is closer to home than you suspect.’
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked himself. A flash of white skimmed to the left of his face and he looked out into the corridor just in time to see a head of red hair vanishing toward the main reception.
He glanced at the white flash that had now landed on his computer; it was a paper airplane that had spidery writing on the wings. He picked it up and read it in his head, ‘It means what it says,’ Dax presumed that it was a reply to his question, now to speak with the red haired suspect called Jonathon Daganile.
He walked at a slow pace; he wasn’t in a rush to get to the reception, he didn’t look forward to speaking with Jonathon. When he got there he asked the receptionist if she had seen him. She replied bluntly, “He left a minute ago with the chief officer, said something about going to see relatives.”
He drove to the manor and decided to investigate the grounds. He strolled around the building and peered into a window, the room was dark, the only light coming from the dusty windows. He looked closer, to his left he could see something on the floor glinting in the evening sun. He jogged over to the other window and looked at the glass shards that were lying inside the window. He turned his attention to the window, there was jagged points framing the hole where it had been smashed. A slither of red caught his eye; he leaned down for closer inspection and took a sample of it in a test tube.
Back at the lab he compared the sample he had to the recorded DNA results of Samantha, Jonathon and Alex. After finding a definite match, Dax contacted the judge at The Royal Court of Justice in London and arranged a trial the next morning.
* * * * *
After winning his court case and retrieving the stolen necklace, Dax thanked Jonathon for his help and asked that next time he just told him who the culprit was instead of riddles, he didn’t agree. Dax had a more important matter to attend to though; he had been put in charge of jailing the culprit.
“You would have got away with it you know, if Jonathon hadn’t of been so kind as to leave me three riddles, the answers to them were cherry, water and, well, you. I pieced it together the day we had a little talk, cherry water is basically cherryade. It was also very nice of you to leave a little blood sample at the window that you smashed, however, why put the blame on innocent people? Because they knew you did it? Or did you simply have a grudge against them? It doesn’t matter now anyway.”
“You’re too clever for your own good! But would you have accomplished this,” He shook his handcuffs in my face, “if you didn’t have that pesky Jonathon to help you?” He bellowed.
“Maybe not, but that is irrelevant now, because you’re in a cell and the necklace is returned, you succeeded but left evidence,” Dax replied.
“So what? I’ll get my revenge some day!” He yelled through the bars.
“Not for five years though,” he replied. “Goodbye, Alex.”

Please comment! (I just copy and pasted it from a word document, I am not sad enough to re write lol! :) )

#2 Jellybaby86


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Posted 25 March 2011 - 11:27 AM

I really like it. I LOVE how it opens. I love the riddle clues all the way through, very intriguing.

I only have a few criticisms but they are only little things:

1) Repetition.

"the police that were helping him on the case had lined up six people
who had been at Lady Jane’s dinner party two nights ago. He studied them
carefully. “These are the people that attended Lady Jane’s dinner party,”

You have already mentioned that they where at this dinner party. Maybe say the police lined up six people and THEN go into the dialogue. The reader doesn't need to be told twice an that way you have extra words (if you are writing to a word limit. Everywhere you have said the same information more the once, try and go back and delete it. :)

2) Show, don't tell.

When you say "He walked at a slow pace; he wasn’t in a rush to get to the reception." Try and show the reader him being slow, instead of just saying. You could talk about how he drags his feet along the floor or how his eyes drift lazily across the room... things like that. Go back over everything you have "told" the reader and think of ways to also "show" them as well.

3) Forshadow.

I love how Dax gets a clue about Alex being a culprit from the cherryade drink and how cherry is the answer to the first riddle. However it seems a bit of an out the blue revelation that is was Jonathan who helped him at the end. Maybe try and foreshadow that earlier on. Maybe have Jonathan have a small conversation with Dax about riddles, how Jonathan likes them or Dax finds them frustrating? Maybe show Alex very reluctant to have Dax question Jonathan. It is there for the readers if they think hard enough.

I hope I haven't offended you. As an aspiring writer myself I find it crushing when someone says anything harsh about my work but I really do like the idea of this one. I very much enjoyed it. It's completely up to you if you chose to change it. Well done.