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Writing a horror story

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#1 emmapupkit ♥

emmapupkit ♥

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Posted 28 July 2009 - 02:43 AM

I've been writing a horror story for awhile now and when I asked my friend what kind of horror story to write she said a Japanese horror story (because all the Japanese horror films are the scariest). This story makes me sound like a silly fan girl but I swear it was my friend :laughing:

Ok so I'll let you read a snippet of chapter one, there's probably too much description. I don't mind if you have criticism as long as it is constructive, thanks. I'm not the best writer on here for sure and I should probably be better for my age but hey I'm just giving it a go ;) NOTE: There's still a lot of editing to do, it's really not fit for reading by people on the web but you guys will understand if it's bad, right?

The story is called Kyouzou ('Mirror' in Japanese).
Chapter 1 is Kazoku (Family).

The sun shone dazzlingly in the fair blue skies over Decora Kyora. Suki sat on the sundrenched porch of her house and stared up into the sky, surveilling the birds, straining her eyes. It was midday, very bright and very unusual. Suki had lived in Decora Kyora for long enough to know that the sun very seldom shone there. Still, Suki was content in knowing that the sun may disappear behind the incensed clouds once more to permit her to keep her complexion pale. Suki loved being practically geisha-like and she looked even more striking in the vivid sunlight where her skin sparkled like diamonds scratched on glass floors. She closed her eyes and reclined, six layers of Factor 50 sun cream smothered onto her soft skin. Her mother was inside making lunch, she could almost taste the aroma of stale sushi and old rice. Her sister, Yuki, of whom she never had had a virtuous relationship with, was in the shed working on her college project. Yuki was older than Suki and the rapport between them had grown stale over the years. It was more than just typical sisterly hostility, Suki was convinced Yuki tried to eradicate her at one stage in her life. Itou, her brother seemed to be a lost cause. He’d spend hours in his bedroom, merely snoozing on his un-made bed or with a brace of black, chewed anti-social earphones plugged into his ears. Suki’s mother was certain he was heading for deafness but nobody else seemed to care. If anyone dared remove Itou’s cherished MP3 player, there would be war in its extremities.
Suki stood up and rubbed her shoulder. She had gotten burnt. Worse, her burns customarily turned to tans and that could not happen. Her sister saw her as she came out of the shed and instantly stared straight into her eyes. Suki knew her sister was evil and had proceeded to tell Itou the straight facts. But he scarcely listened to what anyone had to say these days and everyone knew he was becoming more and more secluded from the family. The wooden floorboards of the decking strained under her weight as she made her way indoors. Her mother moved as she turned to gaze at her daughter, of whom was now halfway inside. Suki was seventeen, a very small girl who was pale, had deep black hair half-tied up with a greasy ribbon and who wore Gothic Lolita clothing which was admissible to her family. She was a fantast, shy and had a fear of only her sister but this was a fear she was reluctant to show. Yuki, however, was very different to her sister. Yuki was eighteen and a fan of Ganguro and was very popular with Decora Kyora’s ‘in’ crowd. She was tall and tanned, with bleach blonde hair and crazy coloured clothes and she wore the best Ganguro makeup Suki had ever seen in her life, but she was reluctant to truly appreciate her efforts on that part.
Their brother Itou was neither tall nor small but surprisingly slim considering the amount of days he went without exercise or even family contact. Itou was into Harajuku fashion and studied it like The Holy Bible. He had a girlfriend, supposedly, who came in and out of his bedroom window in the middle of the night who only Suki knew about. Itou was fifteen, the youngest of the family with black floppy hair, back-combed at the top, pale skin and fierce eyes decorated with industrial hard-wearing eyeliner. He barely spoke or ate, he simply went from day to day sitting solitary in his bedroom drinking water, smoking and re-reading old dog-eared magazines.
Suki stared back at her mother. Her mother’s face was caring and loving, a face that spoke the truth. Her mother was a hard-working fun-loving woman who went by the name of Kotahoni. She was petite, just a little taller than Suki with black hair tied back in a greasy bun. She was neither pale nor tanned, just in between. Beautiful soft skin like rice paper.
She smiled at Suki, wiping her hands on the peplums on her jacket waist and then going back to making a bento box.
Kotahoni often thought about her husband and the terrible fate he endured when Yuki and Suki were still only young and she had just fallen pregnant with Itou. Alcohol had been the cause of her husband, Mokoto’s death. He had consumed a significantly large amount of alcohol and had fallen into the river, drowning instantaneously as he had never been an erudite in the art of swimming. Baka.
“I don‘t want Hello Kitty,” Suki told her mother. Kotahoni lifted her head from staring down at the freshly made bentos.
“Why is that?” she asked, cold sweat dripping down to her cheeks.
“Because you know I hate pink.”
Kotahoni nodded and took out the large slice of ham in the shape of Hello Kitty’s head and flipped it into the bin with ferocity. She was annoyed with Suki and it showed.
Suki had never been the moody type, that had always been Yuki and that was never going to change.
Suki, bored out of her mind, trudged upstairs to chat to Itou who would be, with any luck, sitting upright waiting for her.
She tapped gingerly on his bedroom door, knowing he wouldn’t hear it. But he did. “Who is it?” he shouted over the loud boom of the music in his room.
“Oh Konichiwa Suki-chan. Come in.” he said invitingly. A bit strange since he had never been inviting, nothing of the sort.
Slowly, Suki made her way into his bedroom where she found him standing by his radio after turning it off.
“Konichiwa, Itou,” Suki said, bowing to her brother. Itou liked to feel in control and Suki liked to let him have the control, in order to stop him becoming increasingly depressed.
He nodded back at her. “My earphones are broken! Can you believe it? I was going to go downstairs and ask Yuki if she had any but you’ll do just fine.” he said with a strange smile. A smile Suki had never seen before and it terrified her.
“You look happy for someone who now has no earphones. Don’t get your hopes up, I don’t think I have a spare pair,” she told him as she backed out of the room. Suddenly Itou burst into a hysterical fit of laughter which made Suki jump four paces back out of the room.
“SUKI!! Come back! Did Mama not tell you the news?” he yelled after her but by then she was half way down the stairs. Kotahoni stared up at her when she heard the faint creaking of the last step, like the croak of Kayako from Ju-on.
“Konichiwa, Mama,” Suki said, with a slight smile.
“Konichiwa, Suki. Long time no see, eh? Did I tell you I have news?” Kotahoni asked, coming to sit beside Suki at the bottom of the stairs.
“No, Mama, you didn’t,” she replied, afraid of what would come next.
“Oh..well you know the way I got a job all the way over the other side of town? Well the morning commute is too much to bare. We’re going to be moving house!” she screeched with enthusiasm, jumping into the air, a smile splitting her face in two. Maybe Suki had missed something. She didn’t seem to understand why her mother was so happy when she suddenly felt pain like a masheti had been lodged between her ribs.
Her mother didn’t seem to understand why her daughter’s face had drooped like a cernuous flower.
“Does Yuki know?” Suki asked Kotahoni.
Her mother nodded. The move… it would change their lives forever.

I'll add Chapter 2 just to make it a bit better. Heh...
Chapter 2 is Gouki (which means Fortitude)

Rain beat down heavily on the roof of the car, pulsating in the eardrums of Suki and Yuki and even little Itou whilst Kotanohi ignored the harsh ferocity of the Buddha’s tears. It was a depressing time for Suki as she knew she’d by no means be coming back to Decora Kyora again and that the novel town of Harakoto would now be her abode. She remained unconvinced that it was merely the job that her mother sought to be close to and was trembling at the idea that she may have a secret lover. Kotahoni couldn’t keep secrets from her children, could she?
The trip to Harakoto was not long, at least an hour. Suki and Itou sat huddled together in the back seat, a sheet of thin white linen draped over them as Suki whispered un-personal extracts from her journal to her brother.

Entry 24
Mama has been acting strange these past couple of days and I wonder why. I would like to talk to Itou about it, but he always seems to be completely tuned out.

“Doumo,” Suki said quickly as she watched Itou scan the page. She had deliberately not read entry twenty-four out loud.
“No, it’s quite alright. I suppose I am quite tuned out, right?”
“That’s what happens when you grow up never knowing who your papa was,” Suki sighed, putting her weak arm around him. Itou had never been grumpy or hostile towards his sisters or mother, he had just never found it easy growing up in a house full of girls and had been forced into a world full of isolation and temptation.
He gazed up at his sister with brown eyes like age old plumes of blood but she did not return his gaze.
An hour later and all was over. They had arrived in Harakoto, a bustling city very different to Decora Kyora. It was still leaden and insufferably wet and Yuki, Suki and Itou stood huddled under an old, dilapidated umbrella whilst Kotahoni tried to find the key to the innovative apartment. The apartment block was tall, shabby looking even though in the advertisement it had said ‘New, beautiful apartment for rent.’ Bakas.
Suki brushed her fingers off a sainfoin which was bright pink and almost luminous against the bleak, disheartening backdrop. She pulled off a feather and studied it with curious eyes. She then noticed a whole row of blooming, feathery sainfoins that seemed to bask themselves in the smoky rain.
Kotahoni soon managed to get the key through the lock after needing a bit of convincing from Yuki that it wasn’t that the key was too small, it was that the lock was too great and Yuki, being oh-so-dexterous, managed to fix the lock to get in the door.
The hallway reeked of long forgotten takeaways and ganja, unfamiliar smells to Suki and her family. Suki could tell Itou was having a fit of the fantods, as he buried his head into his sister’s arm and whispered, “Iie, Iie, …”
“Are you alright, Itou?” Kotahoni turned to ask her son who was trembling by the front door.
“No he’s not,” Suki snapped, not understanding why her mother thought moving would be a good idea. The place was very obviously ramshackled and the stench of ganja caught them all at the back of the throat, the aroma was sufficient enough to make drug addicts roll in their graves.
“Come in and stop acting the twit, we can’t go back now..” Katahoni’s voice took on a strange tone. It was an almost angry tone, unfamiliar to Suki.
Suki felt like she was ripping apart inside just like old fibreglass but all she could consider now was how she was going to cope with living in this hellish site she now called home.
Katahoni pondered over taking the stairs or elevator. Neither looked particularly safe and the whole place looked unkempt.
“I say elevator,” Yuki piped up, a broad smile splitting her face. It irritated Suki knowing her sister was happy for some reason indefinite to her and the rest of the family. It particularly annoyed Itou too, mainly when he was feeling depressed and all he had was this almost luminously tanned face with a gigantic glow-in-the-dark grin beaming down on him like the intense sun.
Suki was afraid of elevators. She had watched many horror films where people died in elevators by being killed by some malevolent ghost or hacked to death by some murderer. She also had a fear of the elevator plummeting, which meant uncertain death for her and her family.
They took the elevator. Now it was Suki who was having a fit of the fantods. Itou comforted her by telling her that the little boy from Ju-on couldn’t get them in the elevator. “Oh and that makes me feel much better,” she sighed, dripping with sarcasm.
The apartment Kotahoni had purchased was on the sixth floor, number 23 to the left of the elevator. The hallway was as long as a sick patient’s drip. The walls were the colour of age old sushi rice. The scent of ganja was not as strong on the sixth floor.
Kotahoni pressed gently on the door of number twenty-three. It looked newly painted, or maybe just badly painted…the door was a murky brown with black paint that resembled blood dripping down a doorway into a room containing a non-entity. The door creaked slowly, sounding like a small baby who’d just been woken from a dreamless sleep.
It was hard to see inside as it was dark and curtains had been drawn across the windows. Yuki was first in, as Kotahoni had always admitted she was afraid of the dark.
Yuki fumbled for the light switch, accidentally scraping her fingers off the wall. A ghastly scratching sound echoed through the room as she pulled her fingers away quickly. Her nails had been torn and blood slowly trickled down her fingers like rain on a no-longer waterproof jacket.
“Where’s the <super> light switch?” Yuki growled as she sucked the metallic tasting red substance from her fingers.
Kotahoni shook her head, as if to say she had no idea and wouldn’t dare look for it in the dark.
“I have a torch,” Itou whispered, pulling a tiny torch out of his pocket. It was attached to his key chains and they jangled loudly breaking the silence that Suki was now glad not to have.
Yuki snatched the torch from Itou’s pale hand and pressed the rubbery button and a stream of light spilled onto the floor, running through the room. Now they could see everything, from the ash grey carpet to the stale sushi rice walls and the large crevasses they held to the dirty encrusted window frames which were now visible as the curtains flapped aimlessly in the wind.
Yuki was now able to see the light switch and before she could tap it with her now slightly scabby fingers, Kotahoni burst passed her and banged her fist against it with fierce anxiety. The light flickered and the room was basked in the florescent white beam that soaked up every last drop of darkness.
Kotahoni stepped slowly into the room and made her way to the window where she pulled back the curtains, swearing as they fell off the railing.
Suki and Itou stood huddled together in the doorway whilst Yuki sat back on the dust-covered couch and closed her eyes. Suki could have sworn she saw a tear roll down Yuki’s cheek. And later on her suspicions were confirmed by the long streak on Yuki’s cheek where the makeup had been washed away by her tear.
Thankfully they all had their individual bedrooms. Well, Yuki had to slumber on the couch as she wouldn’t have got away with sleeping in Kotahoni’s bed.
Suki sat on her bed, brushing off the dust. It was a type of dust she had never seen before, like a polluted Tokyo cloud. Fluffy and gritty, pale and yellow. She lay back and stared at the uneven, colourless ceiling, trying to make out some shapes in her head. She made out a few, the head of a girl, a boy, a woman and a man..a man who looked like…no, it couldn’t be..
Suki propped herself up from the bed on one elbow. Itou was in his new study, reading some sort of horror mystery novel, Yuki was trying to work the television and Kotahoni was disinfecting the counter in the kitchen in preparation for the dinner.
Stepping up from the bed, Suki made her way into the kitchen. It was small and cramped, with hardly enough room for two people.
“Mama,” she began.
“Hai, Suki?”
“You know I don’t really like it here,” she sighed, tears welling up in her eyes. Kotahoni turned to stare at her daughter with dark blue eyes that changed like a cloud passing over the sea.
“Neither do I. It’s dark, depressing. Nothing like I thought it would be. You know, we can make this work though. We can make this place beautiful,” she told her miserable daughter, a smile appearing on her face like a crescent moon.
Suki knew she could do nothing. Her mother’s mind was made up. But she was determined to try and get them out of the house…something wasn’t right there.

And I might as well just add Chapter 3 because I have it.

The mellifluent sound of dripping woke Suki from a light slumber. She pressed a tiny button between her fingers and the green light beamed from her watch and hit the ceiling. 03:25. <super>.
Suki hadn’t managed to get a good deal of sleep that night. Actually, to be honest she’d only had three hours worth of sleep and now she was growing tired and grumpy. Twenty five minutes past three? Seriously?! Suki wondered if Itou was awake. He probably would be, he suffered from insomnia anyway. But his room was all the way at the other end of the hall.
“Itou?” she whispered. No reply. Standing up from the bed, Suki heard the strident creaking of the floorboards under her weight and cringed. Reaching for the door, she felt something like a spectre in the room, something eerie that was going to leap from behind her or even from behind the door. She quickly convinced herself she was being ridiculous.
Twisting the doorknob carefully, Suki took deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself down. “SUKI!”
“Iie, Iie, Iie!!” Suki screamed jumping back from the door and crawling onto the bed.
“It’s okay, Suki-chan. It’s just me, Itou,” Itou said, pushing gently on the door.
Still shell-shocked, Suki squinted to see if it really was Itou. He shone a bright torchlight into her face.
“Are you ok? I thought I heard you walking around in here…” he said, sitting down on the bed beside her.
“Hai, I’m fine, Itou. Of course I’m fine…it’s just I thought someone was in the room with me,” she choked, tears streaming down her face.
“Don’t be so daft, Suki. It’s quite obvious that there’s nobody else here. Mum’s hiring a maid to clean the apartment, you know so you better get used to company,” he said, smiling. Suki didn’t smile, an undeviating frown stuck to her face. She felt like she had been violated; touched or pushed by some sort of chi. Itou got up slowly and left the room, going back to bed. His eyes were tired and horrifyingly obscure.
Suki slowly climbed back into bed, shaking. What was wrong? Why was she feeling like this? So many questions, she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.

She woke up late, twenty past eleven. Kotahoni had gone to work and Yuki and Itou had gone to school. Suki turned on her side and found a crumpled note which she unfolded to read.

Suki, I have left and gone to school. Mama is angry, she tried to wake you but you wouldn’t wake up. Have a nice day off…
Itou x
Suki groaned as she read the small letter and ripped it in half. A day off, she thought. How cool.
Suki got up from bed slowly, scratching her head. A swirl of snowflake-like dandruff fell to the floor as she yanked out a large chunk of her hair. Suki never brushed her hair. She’d only run her fingers through it and eliminate some of the mammoth knots which often snarled up her fingers. Yuki was jealous of her sister’s ‘bed head’ as she herself was never able to achieve the look.
Suki thought back to the night before, when she had felt like someone was in the room with her. She tried to block it out of her mind, it had been ludicrous. But Itou’s eyes…they didn’t look like his own. They were so ambiguous.
Without further ado, Suki made her way into the kitchen where the intense florescent light made her eyes turn to glue.
She reached for cereal in the cupboard. It was very economical for Kotahoni to buy a discount brand. She put the substandard breakfast pack back and snacked on some strawberry Pocky sticks instead, sitting on the countertop, listening to the resonance of raindrops outside.
It would be a long day. A long day alone in a dark apartment…

After breakfast, Suki sat on the couch and read a book. It was one of Itou’s horror novels which she stole from his bedroom. Suki was only on page three when a creaking noise from above caused her to crane her neck and stare at the ceiling with wide eyes. The sound of footsteps from above.. Suki was known to think of the scariest possible scenarios for everything. A murderer, a ghost..when really all it was just a regular woman or man on the floor above. The sound continued until it became unbearable and she had to shut Itou’s book and go into another room. But it continued in the bedroom, the kitchen..
Suki shut herself up in Kotahoni’s bedroom, the furthest to the back of the apartment. She sat on the bed, sipping water but she could still hear footsteps and now a banging on the roof.
“What’s your problem? Seriously, you have no respect!” she screamed, throwing Itou’s book at the ceiling. Then all was still. She stepped up from Itou’s bed and went to the mirror, where she stared at herself. A pale girl with dark eyes and dark hair stared back, her face tainted by her anxiety. Then the face changed quickly to a girl who looked unfamiliar, a pale girl with light eyes and a face that looked angry. She had skin like rice paper, eyes like milky nuclear waste, a mouth in the shape of an upside down crescent moon and cheekbones like a snow-capped Mt. Fuji in spring. She only appeared for a split second, then she disappeared but her shadow remained for a minute, cascaded across Suki’s face. Her eyes widened as the girl’s face flickered before her like lighting in a winter’s storm and then she suddenly felt herself become faint and collapse, falling off the chair, the glass of water shattering in her hand, a pain like nothing she had ever felt before.

When she regained consciousness, she stared down at her hand and gasped as she saw it was covered in dark blood and shattered glass shards. Water had flooded the room but the carpet was stained in a deep crimson. It almost felt like she had broken her arm, or someone else had broken it…
She gazed at the ceiling, watching shadows swimming across it like a fishpond drenched in a veil of moonlight. She wondered if she could get up. If the pain was anything to go by, she wouldn’t be able to move her arm. It was stiff and sore, pain spiralling up and down each vain making knots. Suki could not remember the girl in the mirror or anything that happened before she fainted.

To be continued...

#2 Jibbet07


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Posted 06 August 2009 - 10:34 PM

All I can say is WOW!!!! You are AMAZING! Keep writting, I'd like to see this on shelves one day mate! :)