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NEW STORY!!! WOOT!!!


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#1 hamstar_sharon1

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Posted 22 January 2008 - 10:52 AM

YAY!!! Finally, inspiration has hit my head! I'm at work on my fourth story. BTW, Rachel Morgan, there's an eight year old named A. Svortak. She's BRILLIANT at writing! Maybe I'll search her up...
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My new story was originally supposed to be an essay for chinese school, I might enter it in a Chinese imaginative writing contest. I need help on what's happening next! Plus a title XP

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Not too long ago, a rat named Howard Mousette lived in a tiny hole in the wall of a house. He was an ordinary brown and gray mouse with nothing special about him. However, he was very clever. Many a morning and night, he would find a special passage to find his food. Every single day, there would be food of some kind on their spool-turned-table. The Goodwin family, who lived in the house, had a strange habit of eating in random places around the house. Howard also seemed to always avoid the gray tabby cat that awaited its revenge on Howard for stealing his supper every single day. Howard also had a family to feed: Verly, his wife; Pepper, his daughter; Pip, his son. Howard was a brave rat, Mrs. Mousette always said to him, when he came home with their dinner of chicken, or salad, or maybe something even more delectable, like ice cream, possibly left over by Jimmy, the youngest of the Goodwin’s at age 5.

One day, Howard was out looking for his family’s meal when Dorothy, the cat, came into view. Hissing, it lunged for Howard. Howard expertly dodged the tabby cat, but saw that Dorothy must’ve led him into a trap. He suddenly took a sharp right, letting him have more time and space to escape from the vicious claws, hungry for a rat to eat. In front of him was a mouse trap, and Howard came to a screeching stop. The tabby cat’s smile and fangs seemed menacing, so Howard dared to do something never done before. He turned around, facing the cat, and ran under the cat’s legs, surprising Dorothy and making her want to kill him even more. Howard made a grab for their dinner and ran back to the mouse hole.

“Dinner!” Mrs. Mousette called to Pepper and Pip. The tiny mice came running. “What did Father bring for us today?” They asked excitedly. Howard chuckled and put Pepper on his lap. “Papa’s brought you chow mien tonight!” Pepper and Pip cheered; they rarely got Chinese food for supper. They ate it hungrily, then told their parents about their day. “We played with Whisk and Wendy today!” Pip said. “Yes, yes! We played Hide and Go Seek!” Pepper backed up her brother’s statement. Verly, their mother, smiled. “Did you have fun?” “Oh, yes!” Pepper looked at her brother Pip. “Didn’t we, Pip?” “We played pretend, too! We were brave mice, like you, Father! And we pretended we were trying to catch our supper for our baby mice!” Pip demonstrated this by acting like a spy. Howard laughed. “So you were! I am so proud of my little children!” He hugged both of them. “Now, you must go to bed. You may play with Whisk and Wendy tomorrow, too!” The children scuttled off to bed. Howard and Verly also went off to bed.

The next morning, Howard ran out to get breakfast. Suddenly, he heard a hiss. Dorothy, the cat, was only a few inches away from him. “You can’t escape from me now,” she hissed, fangs gleaming. “Oh, yes I can!” Howard laughed. “How? You’re trapped,” she said, a hint of suspicion in her voice. Howard didn’t reply. Instead, he unloaded his cheek pouches, still filled with the hardened rice and noodles he’d eaten last night. Taking the pawfuls of emergency ammunition, he hurled them at Dorothy. Taking one in the eye, Dorothy yowled. Howard escaped in time to get just enough food for his family. This morning, it was a spoonful of leftover oatmeal. Howard dragged the spoon over back to his hole. The family enjoyed their hot breakfast. Soon, the children ran out the secret passage and went to play with the children of the family that lived a few feet away from them.

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So wat do you think? Don't hesitate to be critical....




#2 hamstar_sharon1

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Posted 22 January 2008 - 11:05 AM

*Sigh*

I just read it over and realized I had plenty of mistakes. I guess I type too quickly for my own good XD

But then again, what CAN you expect from and 12 year old?

#3 Plushie

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Posted 22 January 2008 - 11:09 AM

I think it's really good, Sharon. :veryhappy:

I suck at writing, lol!

However, is Howard is a rat then how come his last name is Mousette? :laughing:


#4 Rachel_Morgan

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Posted 23 January 2008 - 12:30 PM

You're good for your age, actually. I didn't write anything decent when I was 12. I think I was on my Blacksun series then, which, was fairly random... but I love re-reading it for the heck of it :laughing:

I your action sequence ( the 2nd paragraph) it would drastically improve it if you added more action words: he jumped, bolted, shot, ran, lunged, banged, thudded... these words give a sense of immediacy and excitement.
The transition between the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs is a bit sudden. he's running for the moushole and then we're hearing from Mrs. Mousette.

overall though, I thought it was a cute and fun story. keep it up! :D

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#5 hamstar_sharon1

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Posted 24 January 2008 - 11:59 AM

Thanks! I thought it was pretty horrible too...I had a hunch that I should use more adjectives, but I was too lazy...
I'm going to re-edit it, until it's worth reading.... :scratchchin:

#6 Chocolate Rainbows

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Posted 12 February 2008 - 06:29 PM

omg! ur 12? im 11 and cant write like that!! dude, ur good!

#7 kjenks

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Posted 14 October 2011 - 07:42 AM

Good story!lol :veryhappy: cute 2!!!and hey add me as a friend please!!!

#8 Azayles

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Posted 14 October 2011 - 09:08 AM

Good story!lol :veryhappy: cute 2!!!and hey add me as a friend please!!!

This thread is from three years ago, and the OP hasn't been on for at least two of those years :P

#9 Rachel_Morgan

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Posted 14 October 2011 - 09:19 AM

^
You're right.
and it totally doesn't feel like I typed a response to this two years back...talk about feeling ancient on the forum! xD

-Rachel & The Zoo.

#10 Christmas_hamster

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Posted 14 October 2011 - 09:22 AM

I guess it will be nice for them to hear if they ever do come back...hehe.

#11 Rachel_Morgan

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Posted 14 October 2011 - 10:25 AM

Very true.
Would be pretty neat for them to come back and see all the responses they've gotten! =)


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#12 princesshamster

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Posted 14 October 2011 - 08:46 PM

AWESOME :D I love it, write MORE :D